The Doldrums

To whom it may concern,

I must admit that I could never remember the days when the slayings were intentional / regardless of the many moons we stood under upon stone monuments that rose from the so few mounds we carved in droves and circles / this ashen esophagus of mine has cried just the same every day since the rain came in flocks of pillars within that trojan paper crane I recognized only as my waning affection waxed in pale star light between anvil and the hammer of a souls crescent temple / perhaps if the smoldering coals were objects capable of reflection the palms of your hands and fingerprints may have been something more familiar to me / maybe even the midnight dousing would have been some kind of sanctity promising anything I could have at least contrived as longevity / pooling in your cupped hands / slowly tiding between the metaphysical cracks and kindling / a haughty glance from the corner of our twin born eyes purple askewed admist the heavy laughing / i know //
i know if I breathe the dust just deep enough I can still black out to soliloquies we penned together on the back side of beautifully vulgar polaroids of you spread eagle and bottom lip biting //
destitute mellow and brooding are the angels drenched in triphaecta composites that visit me now and again when the lights go out and I find my skulls arrestment between the dirt and the floorboards / the heaving contractions and the doldrums / beings as separate and emotional as the speak directly and individual / lifeforms exist in as much as what we know to be sound as in as what we trust to be based in carbon //
(I learned that from you)
I must admit that what I remember the strongest is that day behind the emerald drapes when you taught me how to eat the children of the songs you sang into existence / the sustenance was more than overwhelming / so many nutrients that were almost too many providing / I never told you this but I was never capable of coping / the density and breadth of what I was growing exponentially to know as love was a landscape so vast I was scared into hiding for fear that my digital and canvas renders would be projected as imperfect deliveries to an audience of jeering emily carr graduates bison eyed and jaws elephant tusked and wide for the killing fields from days of street car grappling long since passed / New York / Chicago / Detriot / cocksuckers that brandished sabres spelt in the east coast snow the way deceptive leering shackled attic studio movie making into fits of rage turned acid blotter snuff film endeavors / the machinist fingered towards the screen while he spat of how he was always loving those women / he would repetitively ask me there there do you see? / that's what the patch teemed compassion looks like //
those memories seemingly so independent of one another / but these are the subtleties that connect the left and the north to the right and the south hemisphere / Calgary / Black Rock City / Victoria / these were the bone yards where I built beseeched and cobblestoned bomb shelters I knew for textbook certain to be capable of meeting the dose / stemming inside from underground where the blackness was complete where I knew it would hurt the least / and the most / I led you in by a fingerless hand traced the hallucinations across your technicolor eyelids and what without sense of touch or sight taught you a lesson I had learned for myself / and was able to teach the lipreading palette of awakened stone ghost hosts I had chipped from the space between knuckles that had once been slits to gain knowledge of forgotten widths of the color wheel planks now deciphered to paint two new iris onto your body / I assumed from your wanting language you had once applied be better able to see with / walk stalk hunt and make the necessary kill with / open up the throat of your captors the graduates those fingering machinists / come back home to me once and for all fuck flame and destroy that sinking left behind nothingness of a slave ship...
...but the doldrums were a rocketing downward anchor that pierced your side by surprise / drug you down to the oceans deep from where sincerely sinful and plotting monsters are derived / it was there in the crushing cradle of your own rut and defeat you yourself learned the powerful lesson of what it is like to never awaken from a dream //
while through symbiotic karma I was thrown pieces of the nightmare that came at me in fragments / a true captive of your entanglement I am pried from the safety of the bomb shelters basement the tongue cut from my mouth as I tried to give wave to your testament buried to the neck and left for dead alongside the rising tides disengaging embankment / I whispered last words and prayers I never through it all could have possibly spoke / if I had a joint in hand or an arm to raise it I'd dedicate the smoke to you and the burning weed to me / kiss the cherry and take one last toke for all the hauls I believed meant the most / a tear from my right eye would land on the sand and in it's reflection all of the true lies we spilt on one another and never seemed to give a damn / refractions of everything I'll ever be and everything I already am / reflections of the whisping smoke as it rose to the sky//
and I must admit that what hurt the most as my mind went black as I felt myself die / is that you weren't there beside me your ocean blue eyes staring back into mine / and if there was one thing that I could say in this moment I would scream for all that is holy and all that is right that every second spent without you I WAS FUCKING ELECTRONIC ON THE INSIDE //
and a life lived as a gadget harbors no happiness / at least none that I could find / a life lived as scrap metal rusting away into fragments is a life lived simply waiting for the power in the double As to subside //
so for all that it's worth and all of the nutrients in the dirt found under the grass upon earth / peace out for now to whom it may concern / I know I'll see you on the other side / where the only ocean we swim in is an ocean we know as love and pure light//

/PEACE